being a good mom means feeling like a horrible mom

On a positive note before I let the rant begin, Belay's first round of testing came back normal. So all the scary things that mom's who are nurses worry about are OK. Now, once we finish clearing up the couple infections he does have we can move onto testing  round number 2. Also, the kid wants to walk so badly. He is taking 5 or 6 steps at a time and I think in the next few weeks he'll be running. After the last few weeks of letting him walk around barefoot everywhere we go, including the street festival this weekend, I felt bad enough and found him some 0-3 month "pretend just to look cute shoes" that actually fit him. So now he can go as he pleases, not that he didn't before, but now I don't have to get the horrified looks from the old ladies at this grocery store.

So now anyways...Today was the hardest day I have had since being home.  It doesn't seem to have anything to do with attachment problems or travel or anything adoption related.   It has everything to do with having a 1 yr old and a 2 yr old who have only had a few weeks of getting to know one another.  When a new born baby comes along, there is a good 6 months where they can be set in a vibrating swinging spinning bouncing whatever you call in machine before they are fully interacting. Obviously we were aware of this before Belay came home.  There are many pros to this as well. One being his age is so much fun and two being hopefully, in no time at all, they will be best buds. But in the mean time, these days happen.
 
I guess it began a few days ago, really.  They have both been having a hard time falling asleep which translates into tough mornings and naps.  So that happened last night and this morning they were a wreck. Adi started crying when Andy left and it pretty much didn't stop.  The kicker came at nap time. How do you put two crying babies to bed at the same time when one is contained and the other isn't.  As soon as Bay would drift off, Adi would wake him one way or another.   I tried to venter out to babies R' us (I know, huge mistake) to get Bay a new bottle (I'm sick of washing the 2 we have over and over and over and over ).  We walked into the store and Adi chose not to listen again. So we walked right back out and went home. Guess I'll have to keep washing those 2 bottles. 
Then the battles over timeouts began. 

So moral of this story is that sometimes being a good mom sucks. I know this. It makes you feel like a horrible mom.  See, if I didn't feel the need to follow through on my threats today would have been fine.  But when I say "if you hit him in the face again you go to time out " or "if you don't sit in the cart we leave the store" or " if you don't lay your head on the pillow I will leave the room and you have to fall asleep on your own"  I have to do it or I feel like I am a terrible mom.  So I continue to follow through with my threats in hope that they will one day pay off. In the mean time I will have sucky days.

Now, I know it sounds like I am picking on Adi in this blog, but Bay is not innocent.  He may be small, but he is sneaky.  He already knows that all he has to do is let that high high high pitched squeal out and someone will come running.  He also was no peach at nap time.  But the beauty of these kids is that they don't seem to remember or care that I am the meanest mom ever. They still seem to want me around. Go figure.

The good news is they were so exhausted, after a yummy spaghetti and meatballs dinner and bath they headed right to bed, at 6 pm.  I love, for many reasons, when they go to bed so early. But tonight in particular as I lay with Adi in her bed I realized one reason why I love this time of night, and year.   As the sun sets low in the sky in the summer the kid's room fills with that soft evening glow. When it shines through the orange/red curtains , the whole room is filled with the warmth of the setting sun.  I held Adi's soft hand and could smell the post bath oil they both had on them.  Belay was snoring soundly and Adi held my hand tight as she drifted off to sleep. I couldn't help but laugh at myself.  How easily we get ourselves worked up about the smallest things. But, I'll do it again tomorrow and so long as I can keep laughing it off, we all might be okay after all.