I read this on the blog rageagainsttheminivan (written by a mom to 2 biological children and 2 adopted children) and loved it.
"I think that adoptive parents hold a sacred responsibility to acknowledge and attempt to minimize the traumas that can be associating with uprooting a child from all they know . . . even when all they know is a life of abandonment in a third-world orphanage with sub-standard care."
Attachment has been on my mind a lot lately and it is hard to put into words. Really all I'm saying is lets not ignore our children's past. Its okay by me if Belay has attachment issues. That is what I'm here for. To help him learn to attach. Its not always easy and not always fun but it is always important to remember who he is. Even if he appears "perfect" to the outside world, his loss is never going to disappear.
Who are we to decide that our children should be fine because they are now in a loving home. How can we choose to ignore the time our children spent else where. It was real.
For Belay, it may have "only" been 14 months. When was the last time you spent 14 months away from anyone who loved and cared for you unconditionally? When did you last spend 14 months alone with no family or friends? And if you did spend said months alone, would you be the same as before you left? Would you want to let everyone know why you act certain ways? Would you at least want t talk about that time spent alone? Or would you ignore it, pretend it never happened? (Even if you did choose to shove that isolation into the back of your subconscious, it would never leave you. It would find you again, in a less friendly way)
A child has memories, feelings, yearnings for whats lost, even if what was lost was sub-standard.
Lets not forget where our babies where before they were in our arms. Lets go beyond celebrating their culture with food, music, and photographs. Lets always remember the trauma, even when they appear happy. Our babies where not always our babies. We will be doing them a great disservice by ignoring that fact. Lets acknowledge that its okay for our children to suffer from their losses. Even if it was only 14 months. Even if it looks different in my child than it does in that child. That child who is clearly suffering.
Wow, great post Jane. You said that perfectly...especially "even when it looks different in my child than it does in that child." Each child is so different and I think our job as parents is to be students of our children so that we can figure out their needs, the ways that their mind works, etc. so that we can help them on the road to healing. Love that you opened up this conversation.
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